Gray Space

Gray area, gray skies, gray by day and night. By the way, is it gray or grey? *shrugs*. In summation, my week has been murky like the pollution of all things crystal and clear. Muggy like the residue of rainshowers come and gone, moisture transferred from a liquid to gas. You can't see it but you can feel the grit descending all around you. Musty like the indoor courts where the boys in the hood style and profile on some And One's-it just don't smell right. Gray like purgatory, I imagine the walls in that place can't be white, they have to be cemented gray, that would be far more tasteless. I've between in between a lot of moods, a lot of thoughts, a lot of tasks, and I just can't seem to settle myself on anything. How did this happen in the course of only one week? I guess I was distracting myself from the envitable and it seems as though this week hasn't afforded me the same luxury of distractive vices. This week has been rather in my face and I've spent most of it feeling like a lottery ticket....discarded. You realize how many lottery tickets are thrown away on the daily? Add to this the odds of winning and you might find yourself feeling lost in the shuffle of players, dreamers, gamblers, risk-takers and such. I believe I'm on the verge of falling(yes falling, not jumping cause I'm not that brave lol) off a cliff only to find that I can REALLY fly! There is something trying to get to me and I'm trying to get to it but there's just so much gray in between us. I can see just enough to avoid major injury, although I'm stumping the hell outta my toe(and it hurts!), but I can't see too far in front of me. Countless hours spent on the wondering of why haven't the dots connected. What is next? There has to be a next, I just don't know what that would be. Struggling to make out the image of what lies ahead subjects you to the reality of just how comfortable staying right were you are might be. If I could step away from my vices long enough to grapple with this thing, maybe I can turn my gray into shades of bold and paint the sky into a palette of love, peace, and hope so there will be no need for umbrellas. This blog is random because my mind is random right now and it's been this way all week, so much so that I've tried my best to shut the hell up around people in an effort to avoid speaking portugese while everyone else is speaking english. That sort of thing makes others uncomfortable you know. I decided to blog despite it all because writing is theraupetic and something has to cure this blurriness in my mind. I know I've looked all WRONG this week, I can tell by how my co-workers have empathetically attempted to give my space and by how I've been all too comfortable keeping kids in from recess so I can eat in my own room in solitude....horrible but true story. So many things have lost their meaning in this moment in time and all that occupies my mind is the question of "what do I really care about?" Typical plague of the Scorpion, die to everything only to live again and start new. Life requires daily maintenance and let's just say I'm more of a "fix it when it breaks" type and this clash has been the cause of several failures. I wonder if I'm the only person who has these moments....maybe I'm too introverted? Maybe I've never known what it's like to actually desire to cry on anothers shoulder....the thought alone is scarrier than anthrax while opening mail. Ha! I'm not going to do this to myself because I've been known to go so far into my head that I forget where the exit is. So my agenda for the weekend, find some inspiration, something that makes me taste honey on my tongue without ever opening my mouth. Where and How? Only time will tell :o). If anybody asks though, gray is my favorite color.......go figure.