YOU 1st

So it was that I was sitting there in Nubia Cafe, listening to a poetress by the name of Oshun breathe life into the mic as she said "Don't ever fall in love with a musician or a preacher." Captivated by this statement and stunned by its truth, I searched for meaning. From my experience, when dealing with musicians and preachers, significant others and romantic interests seem to always be on hold waiting for a higher, more secure position.....the number one position. Everybody wants to be number one, whether temporary or long-term, we all desire to be number one. Being crowned with this status is the hardest to achieve when dealing with musicians, who are united in marriage to their art and preachers who are united in marriage to their followers. Both of them are heavily demanded and followed by the public, thus they must spend a great deal of time interacting with, working for, and networking with others. Of course, this leads to inconsistent availability, hurried yet temporary responsibilities, and a constant shifting of the attention span that often results in a deficiency in some area which is commonly their romantic relationships. In other words, YOU will never be first in their lives. That was my conclusion and I strongly agreed with Oshun that the only way to deal with these types was to avoid falling in love with them altogether. As I sat absorbed in emotion and exposed, realizing that I had been heart-broken at the hands of both a preacher and a musician, I tweeted about my epiphany. One of my awesome twitter friends firmly disagreed with me stating that she would never want to be first in someone's life and she'll never let someone be first in her life again. Baffled, I responded from a place that resided the only conviction I knew and that was love=first. After all, isn't love all about sacrificing the self for the other? Not really, thats what movies are about. However, I wasn't ready to acknowledge this in that moment so I reserved the right to express to her that I couldn't handle being anything less than first when dealing in romantic relationships. Secretly though, I wondered if there was some truth to her position. Maybe she had the answer because surely, seeking to be first in someone's life and even becoming first in theirs was never as rewarding as I'd dreamed it would be. Actually, as a result of my competitive nature, I have a tendency to lose interest after receiving the "win." Instantly, the situation becomes less appealing and less desirable, meaning it holds less of my attention. I hate to admit this merely out of empathy for the men who've given me that first position in their lives but it tis true, I am far more interested in the ride to the top than in staying on top. What is this all about? I played and played with the notion of putting myself first no matter how wonderful he may be and giving him permission to put himself first no matter how wonderful I am. Then, with all emotions aside the stars where aligned for me and my mind was able to comprehend the simplicity of truth behind my twitter friend's position. I was reminded of an article I'd read of an interview with Will Smith where he said he puts himself first, then his wife Jada, and finally their kids. Harsh on the ears at first but keep listening. He explained that if you don't save yourself, if you don't look out for yourself, you will have nothing to give to that one you've chosen to live your life with or to the children you've created. How true! People fall in love with who they met from the beginning, not with the self-sacrifing conformist most of us become in an effort to please our lover; forgetting that being ourselves is what our lover is most pleased with or they ought not be around. Pure in its intention but erroneous in its application is the idea that the highest degree of love requires you to put someone else's happiness over your own. This is romantic which is indeed entertaining but deceptive nonetheless. We believe we are supposed to swap responsibilty for our happiness and my job will be your happiness and your job will be my happiness. Within this swapping, people completely lose themselves, becoming less and less aware of exactly what it is that makes them happy as they focus mostly on someone else. I believe this is the cause of so many failed relationships and marriages. People become more consumed with adapting themselves to please their lover than with teaching other how they would like to be loved and learning to work towards a chemistry that works for both parties. I've always thought my job was to find out what he likes and become that. Negative! My job is to find out what I LIKE so that I can reflect that to whomever is capable of receiving it. This helps us avoid wasting time on the twisting, turning, bending, chiseling, and sometimes disappearing we do in an effort to make something fit together that just simply doesn't belong. Pivotal lesson for me in my quest to understand how to become the "signigicant other" and stay that way. I remember the last love of my life distinctly telling me that all I needed to do was be myself. How many times had I heard that? O'plenty! Yet, how many times had I fallen to the pressure of acceptance that causes us to hide what we think won't be acceptable and put on repeat those few things we feel are acceptable? O'plenty! Yes it is easier said than done but this time around, the revelation has been much deeper for me. I get it! People enter into relationships with others because they add to the happiness that should already exist and this should happen naturally, not forcibly. Sidenote: forcefulness is usually a side effect of lust, having nothing at all to do with love. So the next time you find yourself working overtime to make something work, be sure to reevaluate your purpose. How relieving it is to know that I am responsible for my own happiness because no one knows more about me than I do (or at least I would hope not *_*). Therefore, I am the master of my happiness and when I put that first, he will be able to add to my happiness in a way that is comfortable for him and I will be able to do the same. Sounds like a MUCH better plan to me!